Suckling Succotash

This post may offend some people but I really don't care. I suppose this is my major etiquette flaw; my sometimes brutal honesty. While sitting in a coffee shop in the Mission, quite happy and calm after my acupuncture appointment (thank you San Francisco Community Acupuncture), I was enjoying my cup o joe when a family walked in. I didn't think twice about them until the mommy pulled out the old milking shroud, pops out one of her breasts and latches on little Suzie. I get it...little Suzie is hungry and children aren't always conveniently hungry but other people really aren't interested in watching junior suckle. I for one prefer the only milk in the coffee shop to be in the cups, frothed into beautiful micro-foam. So please if you are of the public breast-feeding clan please note that it is not particularly appetizing for others to hear/see a woman being drunk from. I do appreciate this woman's use of the milking shroud but perhaps she should have thought to sit in a more secluded area, the one that faced the wall and not the other patrons, or use the very clean family restroom. (Two were available so it's not like she was trying not to use up the only toilet space.) Pro-public breast feeders often get angry at comments like mine saying that breast feeding is a "beautiful natural process". Well so is sex and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate my husband and I indulging in our "natural process" in such a public place. So remember: When a breast-milk filled bottle isn't an option (even though my classy mommy friends say that it is actually more convenient on the go) please don't do it so close to my latte.

A Very Fine Hat

I find it a curiosity...at first glance a gentleman: funky oh-so-San Francisco square-framed glasses topped off with a smooth chocolate brown Russian-style hat a.k.a. the Ushanka (think Dr. Zhivago meets floral pattern). Cool hat and definitely unique as I wait to try Tony's Pizza in North Beach. I watch the man who has his silverware set just so along with the gently pinky-up stirring of sugar into his iced tea. His actions and looks, especially his hat, spoke of refinement...at least until his meal was served. A generous and juicy slab of meat caressed by the finest in burger compliments atop a fluffy bun matched with golden fries. I thought to myself that this was a meal that demanded consideration, salivating at the end of the bar. Apparently the supposed gentleman disagreed, neglecting to remove his very fine hat to consume his very fine meal. Fancy restaurant, simple cafe or home-cooked meal one should always remove their crown before sitting at the table. Not only is it rude to the vitals and the cook, but it is also an insult to everyone that has to view your indiscretion. So ladies, gentleman and transsexuals alike please remember that it is not fashion to wear a hat of any kind while dining, it is in fact poor etiquette.

Also, to Tony's staff front and back of house thank you for the warm reception, all around excellent service and exceptional pie. Sorry Mary but the little lamb and eucalyptus was quite delicious.

Cafe Rental

As I sit here at the Fisherman's Wharf Barnes and Noble I am practicing something I preach to others...pay your table rental. Even though I could have chosen something more low-cal I chose a cream soda and a blondie blast as my space fee...a little crumbly but sugary delicious and in fact an acceptable method of freebie payment. What in the hell am I talking about with this table rental mumbo-jumbo? This is what should be done when using the free services at any cafe, restaurant or bookstore that allows you to plunk your bottom down and use their free stuff. Nothing in life is truly free and although it may be bad manners to ask patrons to purchase something to help offset the Internet, staffing, electricity and any other costs related to using their services, it is even worse for said patron to not comply with this unspoken law of etiquette. The purchase does not have to be large (God knows I bought many a small hot teas and milked them while using net cafes as a broke college student). The gesture and small amount of dinero going to that business allows them to in turn afford to offer such goodies as free Internet and cozy chairs. So remembers little campers in this case it isn't the thought but the action that counts...pony up some dough if you want to browse the web guilt-free at your favorite hot spot.


P.S. To the person that decided to let their frozen dessert melt on the cafe table creating o gooey mess for employees or in this case me to pick up so I could sit and write this blog...berry uncool (not a typo...it was berry flavored). You seriously need to become a follower of this blog and learn to pick up after yourself and you kiddos.

The Cellular Age

What helps you wake up on time, gives you nearly instant access to endless information and jams to your favorite tunes? No not the best personal assistant ever...the cell phone. The mobility and ever-growing apps of cell phones simplify our lives and allow us to do nearly anything we want on the go. They can also make us rude. I could go on and on about annoying cellular activities from the guy in the restaurant saying "Dude I was so *ucking wasted last night" to the pretty little princess proclaiming to the entire grocery store how her life is "OMG so hard..I actually had to wait for my mani-pedi for like two minutes." Even the most innocent of conversations can become inappropriate when they happen in the wrong place. Here are a few guidelines to live by before you become the next cellular schmuchatelly (schmuck-uh-tell-ee).

1) Never talk and drive.
Besides getting a ticket (many states have passed laws against hand-held devices) it's dangerous. You are driving a loaded weapon. Let's not take the safety off and make the stakes even higher.

2) Cell phones are not made for small public spaces.
It is unacceptable to gab in any small place where there are other people. Examples include elevators, buses and crowded areas like stores and restaurants. Instead find a large common area or go outdoors to finish what you have to say and spare the rest of us the details of your evening plans or proctology exam.

3) Never take or make a call in line.
Not only does this fall under the lines of a small space that others share but it is extremely rude to the clerk. Cashiers, servers, hostesses and baristas are people too and they should be treated with respect.

4) Apologizing can be bad or badish.
If you botch number three, apologize to the human being(s) standing in front of you. Saying sorry to the person you're chatting with adds insult to injury if you don't make things right with those standing near you. Instead politely ask your friend to either hold until your business is complete or see if you may call them back later. Any decent person will understand. If not they probably weren't worth the conversation in the first place.

5) Hand-held devices and ear-buds are created equal.
This means just because you have the latest thingamabob to jam into your ear like they did in old sci-fi movies doesn't give you liscense to break the rules. If you do this you are still an asshole.

In the Beginning

I am a 25-year-old out of work journalist with a job that is a little less than stimulating. I am married, mostly white (kind of a mutt really but that's quite irrelevant to this blog) and a first time blogger. My husband and I moved to San Francisco nearly a year ago from a small town in Southeast Missouri. Culture shock? No and yes. No people are people and yes people are people; those qualities that we loathe in a few people in a small town can become quite obnoxious in great numbers. I am talking about etiquette. Not the Emily Post (yes she was a phenomenal woman) who pays for the engagement dinner and which fork to use during dinner etiquette. I am more concerned with the very simplistic forms: navigation throughout our daily lives without being complete assholes. I realize that when there are a large amount of people all from different backgrounds and from very different households different standards of what is acceptable will greatly vary, but I do believe there should be a common ground we can all come to. I'm not saying let's all hold hands and sing around the camp fire...all I'm saying is that as the spaces between us narrow so do our sensibilities towards others. So here is my proposition: let's explore the world of everyday etiquette together and find out how we as human beings need to act. Welcome to my blog and thank you for your audience. Ooh ooh ooh...and remember:

"A dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for others in minor matters. A loss of politeness of gentle manners is more significant than is a riot..."-Robert A. Heinlein (Science Fiction Author and philosopher)