Cafe Etiquettigasmica

I have decided it best to not only post negative behaviors, but to also accentuate positive etiquette examples. Once such example is Borderlands Cafe at 870 Valencia in the Mission. It is a lovely little place to grab a chai or cheese plate, but it also serves as a beacon of etiquette. Borderlands owner Alan Beatts and his pals next door at the sister bookstore have devised a way not only to set a fine example, but to request manners of their patrons. They have created and placed several clever little signs that request positive behaviors intended to keep everyone in the cafe politely pleased. One such sign reads:

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

If the cafe is busy and there is an empty seat next to you, why not

offer it to your fellow patrons? It's just the neighborly thing to do.

Thank You

Wow! What a great way to manage a busy cafe and as a bonus create a cool communal feeling, allowing people to maybe get to know one another. Others signs remind people to stay off their cell phones indoors and at the counter etc. These little reminders are so successful that I have yet to go into this establishment and see anyone not following the rules, but of course the asshole that doesn't like to do what he/she either knows is right or chooses to ignore these simple requests will occasionally come in and disrupt the calm. According to Beatts when this happens any member of his trusted staff has his permission to have said patron leave.

Another point of praise is the excellent example set by the staff. This is a truly polite crew, well schooled in etiquette that would make any entrepreneur, customers or mother proud. Hats off to Borderlands Cafe and the mommys (and daddys) who helped shape the men and women behind the Borderlands team.

*NO PAYMENT, BRIBES, FREEBIES OR FAVORS OF ANY SORT INFLUENCED THE WRITING OF THIS POST. THEY JUST FREAKING ROCK.

To Cough is Human, To Cover Thy Mouth is Devine

Although I am bot a medical professional I would like to put my two cents in about this flu season. It's been almost three weeks now since I started getting sick with bronchitis. I am finally feeling better, finally updating my blog, and finally going to post my ideas about etiquette when ill. I have recently noticed a lot of people not following what I believed to be common knowledge practices of cleanliness and courteousness when sick. I even saw a a grown woman old enough to be my mother cough in my co-worker Marcia's face. She didn't even attempt to apologize, cover her mouth or take any other correct action in the matter which made me think that this situation may be worthy of a blog post. So in light of this gross woman's actions and the fact that the dreaded flu season is again upon us, let's go over the polite and lean way to go about being sick.

1) Isolate yourself. If you miss one day of work to stay away from others when you are most contagious your co-workers, classmates etc. should thank you. Even if your boss is pissed hopefully he/she can see that one employee sick day is better than the entire office playing the pass around the yucky bug game.

2) COVER YOUR DAMN MOUTH. Preferably cover your mouth with your sleeve, not your hand to help keep nasty germs at bay on your arm/armpit and off your hands that touch many many things that others touch between washings. Plus it's just nice not to hack in peoples' faces etc.

3) Scrub those little hands, fingernails too. This is a good thing year-round. No one likes to see, shake or smell poopy grimy hands.

I know this post may seem quite elementary but often I see when people are sick their manners seem to also be infected. So please stay politely healthy.

Shhhh

I know I've already harped on bad cell phone etiquette in a previous blog post but I had an experience today that took the cake (until the next time something more irritating happens). I was working as a cashier at the grocery store when a man came up to the register to check out. He had two small items and a briefcase so after scanning those items I asked if he wanted a bag. Instead of choosing one of two appropriate answers; yes or no, he instead raised his finger and shooshed me followed by a gesture towards his phone. Now let's reverse and let me explain that he did not not have a phone or any type of handless device to his ear nor was he talking to anyone. He was however holding a phone and I can only presume that he was on hold and speaker-phone. Either way it really doesn't matter. Why on Earth would someone be rude enough to be mid cell conversation in line and then proceed to shoosh the cashier for doing his or her job. I responded with an "Excuse me?" that was neither answered by a nod, an apology or an F-you. I suppose he was too into himself and/or his electronics to realize what a jerk he was. The interesting thing is that when he left the gentleman behind him noticed what happened and informed me that the rude man is his professor at a business school next door and that he is usually quite nice in class so he was surprised at his behavior. I can only assume he does not teach etiquette. Unfortunately this is when my temper got the better of me and I told the student if his pompous prof was interested in an etiquette lesson or perhaps a little physical ed demonstrating how to break some one's shooshing finger that I would be delight to indulge him. I suppose that is when my etiquette ran out.

Suckling Succotash

This post may offend some people but I really don't care. I suppose this is my major etiquette flaw; my sometimes brutal honesty. While sitting in a coffee shop in the Mission, quite happy and calm after my acupuncture appointment (thank you San Francisco Community Acupuncture), I was enjoying my cup o joe when a family walked in. I didn't think twice about them until the mommy pulled out the old milking shroud, pops out one of her breasts and latches on little Suzie. I get it...little Suzie is hungry and children aren't always conveniently hungry but other people really aren't interested in watching junior suckle. I for one prefer the only milk in the coffee shop to be in the cups, frothed into beautiful micro-foam. So please if you are of the public breast-feeding clan please note that it is not particularly appetizing for others to hear/see a woman being drunk from. I do appreciate this woman's use of the milking shroud but perhaps she should have thought to sit in a more secluded area, the one that faced the wall and not the other patrons, or use the very clean family restroom. (Two were available so it's not like she was trying not to use up the only toilet space.) Pro-public breast feeders often get angry at comments like mine saying that breast feeding is a "beautiful natural process". Well so is sex and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate my husband and I indulging in our "natural process" in such a public place. So remember: When a breast-milk filled bottle isn't an option (even though my classy mommy friends say that it is actually more convenient on the go) please don't do it so close to my latte.

A Very Fine Hat

I find it a curiosity...at first glance a gentleman: funky oh-so-San Francisco square-framed glasses topped off with a smooth chocolate brown Russian-style hat a.k.a. the Ushanka (think Dr. Zhivago meets floral pattern). Cool hat and definitely unique as I wait to try Tony's Pizza in North Beach. I watch the man who has his silverware set just so along with the gently pinky-up stirring of sugar into his iced tea. His actions and looks, especially his hat, spoke of refinement...at least until his meal was served. A generous and juicy slab of meat caressed by the finest in burger compliments atop a fluffy bun matched with golden fries. I thought to myself that this was a meal that demanded consideration, salivating at the end of the bar. Apparently the supposed gentleman disagreed, neglecting to remove his very fine hat to consume his very fine meal. Fancy restaurant, simple cafe or home-cooked meal one should always remove their crown before sitting at the table. Not only is it rude to the vitals and the cook, but it is also an insult to everyone that has to view your indiscretion. So ladies, gentleman and transsexuals alike please remember that it is not fashion to wear a hat of any kind while dining, it is in fact poor etiquette.

Also, to Tony's staff front and back of house thank you for the warm reception, all around excellent service and exceptional pie. Sorry Mary but the little lamb and eucalyptus was quite delicious.

Cafe Rental

As I sit here at the Fisherman's Wharf Barnes and Noble I am practicing something I preach to others...pay your table rental. Even though I could have chosen something more low-cal I chose a cream soda and a blondie blast as my space fee...a little crumbly but sugary delicious and in fact an acceptable method of freebie payment. What in the hell am I talking about with this table rental mumbo-jumbo? This is what should be done when using the free services at any cafe, restaurant or bookstore that allows you to plunk your bottom down and use their free stuff. Nothing in life is truly free and although it may be bad manners to ask patrons to purchase something to help offset the Internet, staffing, electricity and any other costs related to using their services, it is even worse for said patron to not comply with this unspoken law of etiquette. The purchase does not have to be large (God knows I bought many a small hot teas and milked them while using net cafes as a broke college student). The gesture and small amount of dinero going to that business allows them to in turn afford to offer such goodies as free Internet and cozy chairs. So remembers little campers in this case it isn't the thought but the action that counts...pony up some dough if you want to browse the web guilt-free at your favorite hot spot.


P.S. To the person that decided to let their frozen dessert melt on the cafe table creating o gooey mess for employees or in this case me to pick up so I could sit and write this blog...berry uncool (not a typo...it was berry flavored). You seriously need to become a follower of this blog and learn to pick up after yourself and you kiddos.

The Cellular Age

What helps you wake up on time, gives you nearly instant access to endless information and jams to your favorite tunes? No not the best personal assistant ever...the cell phone. The mobility and ever-growing apps of cell phones simplify our lives and allow us to do nearly anything we want on the go. They can also make us rude. I could go on and on about annoying cellular activities from the guy in the restaurant saying "Dude I was so *ucking wasted last night" to the pretty little princess proclaiming to the entire grocery store how her life is "OMG so hard..I actually had to wait for my mani-pedi for like two minutes." Even the most innocent of conversations can become inappropriate when they happen in the wrong place. Here are a few guidelines to live by before you become the next cellular schmuchatelly (schmuck-uh-tell-ee).

1) Never talk and drive.
Besides getting a ticket (many states have passed laws against hand-held devices) it's dangerous. You are driving a loaded weapon. Let's not take the safety off and make the stakes even higher.

2) Cell phones are not made for small public spaces.
It is unacceptable to gab in any small place where there are other people. Examples include elevators, buses and crowded areas like stores and restaurants. Instead find a large common area or go outdoors to finish what you have to say and spare the rest of us the details of your evening plans or proctology exam.

3) Never take or make a call in line.
Not only does this fall under the lines of a small space that others share but it is extremely rude to the clerk. Cashiers, servers, hostesses and baristas are people too and they should be treated with respect.

4) Apologizing can be bad or badish.
If you botch number three, apologize to the human being(s) standing in front of you. Saying sorry to the person you're chatting with adds insult to injury if you don't make things right with those standing near you. Instead politely ask your friend to either hold until your business is complete or see if you may call them back later. Any decent person will understand. If not they probably weren't worth the conversation in the first place.

5) Hand-held devices and ear-buds are created equal.
This means just because you have the latest thingamabob to jam into your ear like they did in old sci-fi movies doesn't give you liscense to break the rules. If you do this you are still an asshole.